The Morning Bro
Good Morning, Spiritually Diversified Bro It's Sunday, and the Pope just dropped an AI encyclical while Robinhood released a credit card that spends your money for you. Somewhere a priest is googling 'how to confess to a chatbot' and 89% of you are already letting one buy your groceries. Let's get into it. ☕
Robinhood Wants the Keys to Your Wallet
The Setup Robinhood (now $94.30, +11.2% 1D) just launched Agentic Trading AND an Agentic Credit Card — an AI that invests and spends on your behalf. Mizuho slapped a $115 price target on it. Bold move betting on the company whose user base actively wants a robot to handle their money.
The Numbers Per their survey, 89% of users are open to letting the AI run their account, with an average allocation of 31% of their portfolio. Translation: one in three of your dollars now answers to a model that has never paid rent.
The Pope, A Robot, and Claude Walk Into a Bar
Holy Smokes Pope Leo XIV just issued the first papal encyclical ever written about AI. The Vatican has been around for ~2,000 years and waited until now to weigh in, which feels about on schedule for them.
Never Sleeps Meanwhile, Figure's 03 humanoid just ran for 200 hours of continuous operation — that's 8.5 days straight without a break, a snack, or a single existential crisis. Your intern could never.
Claude Again Anthropic dropped Claude Opus 4.8 just 41 days after the last one, boasting 'better calibrated uncertainty.' Finally, an AI that's more honest about not knowing things than your financial advisor.
Stocks Only Go Up, Forever, Apparently
Nine in a Row The S&P 500 just closed its ninth straight weekly gain and the Dow crossed 51,000 for the first time, powered by AI hype and 'Iran peace optimism' — a phrase that has historically aged like milk.
The Carnage (Upward) Dell (now $420.91, +32.8% 1D) ripped +33% on its record day. Micron (now $971.00, +5.1% 1D) tacked on +19% and crossed the $1T market cap line. And Intel (now $114.68, -5.1% 1D) — yes, that Intel — is up +234% YTD. Our thoughts and prayers are with anyone who shorted any of this. 🙏
- Nine straight green weeks for the S&P 500 — statistically, gravity is now just a suggestion.
- The Dow cleared 51,000 on 'AI hype and Iran peace optimism,' a phrase that ages like warm milk.
- Micron crossed a $1 trillion market cap, officially making very fancy sand a sovereign asset class.
- Anthropic shipped a new Claude 41 days after the last — the AI arms race now runs on a six-week clock.
| Ticker | Price | 1D | 1W | YTD |
| DELLDell | $420.91 | +32.8% | — | — |
| HOODRobinhood | $94.30 | +11.2% | — | — |
| INTCIntel | $114.68 | -5.1% | — | — |
| MUMicron | $971.00 | +5.1% | — | — |
1D / 1W / YTD = move vs prior close / 5 sessions ago / Jan 1. Pulled fresh.
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Live prices in parentheses were pulled fresh from the market (snapshot May 31, 2026) and move every second — they're a snapshot, not a quote you can trade on.
Bro-sclaimer: Everything here is for informational purposes only and is not financial advice. As tech-savvy bros, you know the drill — do your own research before making any investment decisions. Don't be a dummy, Bro.
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